The Recovery

Jacob is doing so great this week!  He has a little bit of pain when we have to apply his medicine, but otherwise he is back to his normal self, running around and talking constantly    Kids bounce back so quick.  So glad he could get this done now and not when he was like 25 or something.  OUCH.

Wyatt started waving this week to people who say Hi to him.  SO cute.  He really tries to imitate a lot of what Jacob is doing and screeches to get involved in our often loud family conversations.  It really struck me to see him waving.  I thought I had to teach him that!  Now I am starting to realize that Jacob would have learned all these things on his own that I thought Iwas actually “teaching” him to do (when i had all that spare time).  My approach with so many things this time is so much more hands off.  it just has to be.  I am not in wyatt’s face all day trying to teach him to wave and see,  he did it!  The only thing i plan on working harder and sooner on this time is POTTY TRAINING…I am ready to start ASAP.

Tim turned 38 on Sunday.  I have been dating this man for 7 years this month!  We started hanging out a few weeks before his 31st birthday when I was a young 26-year-old.  I remember thinking he was so much older, wiser and mature b/c I was dating a man in his THIRTIES.  HA!  Now that I know him so well, I know that is simply not the case.  Although he is very wise and older, he will gladly admit that he is not planning on getting any more mature.  We love to be silly and the boys love it too!  I am sure they will be seriously pranking me in my future.  We went home this weekend for my sister’s baby shower so it was fun to celebrate with her and also T’s birthday with family.  We miss them so much and I wish they would move here.  hint, hint.

I have some pictures of the last several days that I am hoping to post after the boys are in bed tonight and I watch the only show I watch these days…The Biggest Loser.  I am totally addicted.  It’s like a soap opera about weight loss.  I love it and secretly believe that I will lose 15 pounds in one week too one of these days!

tomorrow

Jacob is having a meatotomy for meatal stenosis tomorrow.  don’t you just love medical terms?  who came up with this stuff!  basically, this problem is a complication of circumcision.  Happens to 10 out of 100 boys.  The diapers rub against the newly exposed opening of the man part and cause scar tissue to form which occludes it.  This causes several problems with peeing which we are now familiar with.  It’s a routine procedure.  Our pediatric urologist Dr. Jo is awesome and he does about 5 cases a week because it’s so common.  I am not worried so much about the procedure.  I am nervous that he has to receive general anasthesia.  I think that is just always a scary thing.

 i just got the call that we are the first case tomorrow.  this is great b/c then Jacob doesn’t have to deal with not eating or drinking all morning.  I will be getting up at 4:45 am and then we will leave here at 5:15.  i only mention that b/c many of you know that will be a major feat in and of itself for us.  Tim’s mom is graciously willing to come down to help take care of Wyatt.  all visiting children under 18 are not allowed in any NC hospital currently as a precautionary measure to prevent the spread of the flus to  compromised patients.

anyway, thats the scoop.  pray for God to surround us tomorrow.  He already has this week as I have been working through all my feelings about this whole thing.  It is ALWAYS hard to let someone else have control, especially when your children are involved.  And as a nurse, I am so stinking particular and so pray that I will just chill out and not try to sneak into the OR to make sure everyone is doing things right!!!

Content

with the fact that i worked late again last night and didn’t go to bed until 3am.

with the fact that we all got up late, are totally off our schedule and still in our pajamas.

with listening to the same humming sound of the dishwasher, washer machine, and the rain as it falls outside even though we can’t go out to play.

with just listening to my boys voices today, even the screaming, sassiness, and demanding attitudes that must be dealt with.

with the fact that the weekend went by too fast again and all our to-dos were not completely finished.

that we are just doing the mundane things of life today and that i can find joy in them. 

knowing that Wednesday will be a unordinary day.  where i we won’t get routine and i won’t know how everything will work out exactly.  Jacob is having minor surgery, whatever minor means.  it’s a simple procedure but it still requires anesthesia, sedatives, an IV.  and that I know way too much about that stuff to begin with causes me to fear.  i am nervous one minute and confident the next.  i don’t like feeling this way and at the same time, its refreshing to be so thankful for every regular thing thats going on today which is just not how my brain operates normally.  oh i wish i could say this is my attitude most of my days, or even more days than not.  its amazing how intentional I have to be about making that choice right now.  because it really is a hard choice for me some days.  it doesn’t always come naturally when i take care of my kids all day and then go to work all night long to take care of people who are very sick. feeling sick and tired myself.   and i could choose to get sad about the fact it doesn’t come naturally, but i am hoping that will continue to change, even if my circumstances do not. 

there is so much to be thankful for right now.  SO much.    i think about this all the time.  i meet people regularly that had my life before cancer.  and now they are dying within weeks of being diagnosed.  sometimes hanging on longer, but with much loss of many things along the way.  there is a lot of depression.  worry.  fear.  and anxiety that runs them over as well before they know how to process what hit them.  ALL this to say,  be thankful there are piles of laundry that you are capable of folding.  be thankful  for the food you have to clean off the floor everyday.  be thankful that you are depressed today, but not defeated.  be thankful you can focus on your to do list of things to accomplish instead of just trying to survive the pain that comes with trying to get to the bathroom.  i write this more for myself because i become immune to the suffering around me and what i can learn from it.  and i do not want to live like i don’t get it.  because i do.  i am overwhelmed all the time with how to really live joyfully in the knowledge of reality and not my little bubble.  to really stop worrying about that speck on the floor, it doesn’t matter, and live in the freedom that Christ provides for us.  gratitude.  hope.  peace.  truth.  joy. no bubble.   

its 4 pm and i am off to take a shower and thats ok!  the shower tiles are falling off on the bottom of our shower.  who cares!  i didn’t do a ton of stuff today.  OH WELL!  i played with my boys and i got this picture:

Small Fry

is crawling everywhere.  eating everything.  cutting two teeth on the bottom.  smiling constantly.  getting chubby rolls all over.  won’t let me rock him anymore (so sad). 

growing and doing things so much quicker.

i feel like he is going to start filling out college applications any minute.

Smile of the day

Jacob’s quote of the day:  “Mom, you give THE delicious pancakes in the whole world of God.”

SO cute.

Aw Shucks

On Saturday, we went to Monroe.  A little town south of us that is about an hour away.  Lots of country.  Lots of cows and horses.  Really cute houses that made me want to live out there in the middle of nowhere and let the boys just run wild. 

Oh yeah, they already do that.

Anyhoot, we went to Aw Shucks – a pumpkin patch (that doesn’t really grow pumpkins but imports them in from somewhere – lame), a corn maize  (thats really really high, if you are under 4 feet tall – lame-o-supremo) and then some other stuff, like the general store, a nature trail, hayrides, cornhole, pony rides, and a petting zoo.  it was SO not what the website pictures portrayed (gotta love the internet).  BUT, the kids of course thought it was awesome.  AND, the adults made the best of it and still had some laughs (like someone, I won’t name who, ripping their undergarments, otherwise known as men’s boxers, and someone else, i won’t name who, who picked up a nice patty of something with their hands thinking it was a rock….awww, still laughing about that as i write bless your hearts.)    It was just fun to be together, and thats what matters.  I didn’t even mind the drive.  It was nice to be still and talk with Tim – two things we don’t seem to do at the same time often!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cigarettes

I heard Jacob talking to Tim tonight as he was walking through the hall towards the kitchen (where i was).  this is what i heard:

Jacob: “Daddy. I just have to go to the kitchen and a give mommy a cigarette.” 

Tim: “No Jacob.  It’s time for bed. Let’s go read some books ” (and i’m thinking in my head, why is he not addressing this?  where did Jacob get that from?  i know we are in the south and all but when has he ever heard about cigarettes??”)

Jacob:  “But Daddy, I will be right back.  I just have to go give a cigarette to mommy real quick!”

Tim: “OK, quickly.” (now im thinking WHAT?!?!)

Jacob:  (comes running in the kitchen smiling at me) “Mommy, I have to give you a sec-er-et !!”

me: (duh! hes saying SECRET).  “sure honey, whats your secret?”  PHEW

I just love how much he is talking lately and saying a slew of new words and watching his brain decide how words are used and said.  whether right or wrong, it’s all just precious to me even when i think he is talking about smoking, LOL.

Special Toe

Jacob loves show and tell these days, or as he likes to call it: Special Toe.  Gosh i love that kid! Tonight he made Tim and I sit on the kitchen floor as he “showed” us several random items (a dinosaur, a single piece of a puzzle –LOVE it!, an elephant, and a calculator).  then he “toed” us about them, he he.  it was SO cute that it made me want to blog about it. isnt THAT amazing.

He is also into making other new words these days.  poptarts are poptops.  when he goes to the potty, you have no idea what he does b/c he only uses one word:peeped. genius i think (it covers all the bases right?).

Jacob has an imaginary friend called Mr. Squeaky that sits in his hand along with his new friend he made today, tiny grandma, who just happens to fit nicely in his other hand. 

And he is now riding a bike around our entire neighborhood (its a big circle that takes me about 10 minutes to jog in the mornings).

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings b/c he has been such  a trip this week.

goodnight everyone!  goodnight Mr. Squeaky and tiny grandma!

Holy Smokes

I can’t believe what was an intentional break from blogging and other non-essentials has turned into seven months! I am feeling the blog shame.  As my last post stated (from MARCH), I was about to go back to work (and then some).  I thought it would be a tough transition (it was pure torture) so I decided to just focus on that and taking care of the kids (and myself!).  I walked through some fire.  God really worked on me.  And I really needed it.  But it felt like bombshells were going off on some days.  And I think I can still smell some synge and see a little smoke here and there But the air has cleared some and I can breathe a little easier lately…more on that later

(which could be seven months from now).

Who I am

I wasn’t too sure who i was last week.  i mean, the emotional climate was changing more than the weather around here as i was preparing to go back to work on friday night.  one minute i was strong and capable.  the next anxious and crying about  working all through the night.  its not that i don’t enjoy being a nurse.  i truly love what i do.  its the schedule.   staying up all night long messes me up.  but we need to do it this way so i can be home  with the boys during the week and not pay for childcare.  i couldn’t believe all the emotions i went through in a week so i will spare you the details.  im here now on the other side. 

i made it through. 

and i am so thankful for the God who calls himself I AM.

i have always felt  i really didn’t grasp what that means.   this weekendHe showed me.   it meant that He is simply the same no matter what our circumstances. He is the rock and He is constant.  He does everything out of love and nothing out of fear or for comfort or out of an attempt to please anyone.   He is I AM and always will be.  and i can rest in knowing God is my I AM.  my God who will never change, even when people do, even when I do.  even when every part of me physically feels miserable, my spirit can rest in the I AM – the God who NEVER changes.

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
       slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.   Psalm 86:15